Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Losing Myself to Find Myself



As I sit down to write about loss, there is a huge resistance brewing up in the center of my chest. This is a topic that so many of us find painful. As I know so well now, the most effective way to get to the other side of something we don’t want to face is to actually go right through it.
I recall a time several years ago when I didn’t know if I could do this thing called “life” even one more day. Looking in the mirror felt like looking into the eyes of someone I didn’t even know.
I lost myself.
Every day, I would go through the motions, doing the same routine. I often wondered what all of this was even for. I listened to the opinions of everyone around me, telling me what was “right” and “wrong.” I actually believed most of them.
I felt that I had lost everything. The light within my heart had gone out. I was exhausted. Then I collapsed. The world was dark.
I recall lying in the back seat of a car with faint voices around me. The darkness would take over again. In and out of the darkness I went. It was as if a battle was taking place within me. Stay in this world or move on to what I had been secretly praying for. Then the one voice that meant the most to me was heard: my little boy in the front seat, watching his mommy die. The decision had been made.
In that moment, I knew that I was not the person who I told myself I was for so long. I was not unworthy of love. I knew that I was put on this planet for a reason. It was time to begin to truly live.
Since that time, I have been on a new path. It’s a path that invites me to go within, to the deepest realms of who I am. There’s a lot of excavation taking place. There are so many layers of false identities and misperceptions to plow through. It’s not “easy” stuff – that’s for sure. But it is authentic, and that’s what matters to me now.
I had to feel as if I had lost myself in order to discover who I really am. The person who I had lost was only a façade. The “real me” has always been there, just waiting for the veil to lift.
What I know for sure is that loss is an opportunity to spread our arms wide open and invite Love in. When there is Love, we cannot feel alone. Rather than running from the pain, we can feel it and allow it to open our heart even further.
We can reach out and connect with others who are also riding the waves of this life journey.
We can go within and connect with that place that resides in all of us that can never be taken away.

18 comments:

  1. hi..since we are of same age, i can actually relate and understand what u want to say..:)
    firstly , a smile surrounded me as i read about u on ur intro..:) well i too define me in words like urs..:)
    secondly , the way u have penned the feeling and question answers taking place in a person's mind about loosing himelf/herself is fab..:)
    nyc blog keep writing..:)
    have a look at mine too...:)
    http://manikhanna793.blogspot.in/

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    1. awww..thank you soo much for ur comment and joining my site..!!

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  2. My mom died about three weeks ago.. though I'm 27, I feel a lot like that little boy did.. scared and I too had to watch my mom die.. I felt like an orphan.. I still do to an extent, and I have felt lost these past couple weeks.. although I'm starting to get back.. I took care of my mom for 9 years along with my three boys and my husband.. Mom was like a fourth child in a way.. so once that was taken away.. a part of my purpose and drive was taken away too.. It's been hard.. and you're right.. Moving forward, changing, dealing with life and trying to find yourself again, it's all about excavation. Removing those layers of dirt and emotional turmoil and also trying to put the pieces back together.. I'm glad you came to visit me, and I'm glad I took the time to follow your blog.. Maybe that's what I needed.. I needed to relate to something.. I needed to be reminded of all the things I have left still to live for.. My children and my husband. My family. Take care..

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    1. i understand ur feeling dear..but ...i'm glad that my blog is helpful for u..take care..of urself..n all the best for future..!! :) thankyou for joining my site!:)

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  3. all i want to say is-Have Faith,
    Nice Blog :)

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  4. Loss can be tough ... but it makes you tougher !!!

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  5. That was a very deep post! :)

    I'm actually new to blogger, would really help if you followed back! :)

    http://krittikabarua.blogspot.com/

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  6. You write in a profoundly deep manner...wow.

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    Replies
    1. thankyou for appreciating i am started blogging two months before...feels good :)

      <3 http://chasingpave.blogspot.in

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  7. As they say,The darkest nights have the brightest stars.

    ✗ℴ ♡

    +To Me It Matters+


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  8. As they say, The Darkest nights have the brightest stars. Stay strong.

    ✗ℴ ♡

    +To Me It Matters+

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    Replies
    1. always....!!! :))

      http://chasingpave.blogspot.in

      <3

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  9. woww thats the only things i said wen i enter this cute blog....
    am new to your blog and i just love it :)
    following it from nw... hope you do the same!! :)

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  10. Hey,
    I just dropped by to say that you have been awarded "Creative Blogger Award".

    http://manikhanna793.blogspot.in/
    (Please follow this link for more details.)

    Keep Writing.
    Congo. :D

    ReplyDelete