As I sit down to write about loss, there is a huge resistance brewing up in the center of my chest. This is a topic that so many of us find painful. As I know so well now, the most effective way to get to the other side of something we don’t want to face is to actually go right through it.
I recall a time several years ago when I didn’t know if I could do this thing called “life” even one more day. Looking in the mirror felt like looking into the eyes of someone I didn’t even know.
I lost myself.
Every day, I would go through the motions, doing the same routine. I often wondered what all of this was even for. I listened to the opinions of everyone around me, telling me what was “right” and “wrong.” I actually believed most of them.
I felt that I had lost everything. The light within my heart had gone out. I was exhausted. Then I collapsed. The world was dark.
I recall lying in the back seat of a car with faint voices around me. The darkness would take over again. In and out of the darkness I went. It was as if a battle was taking place within me. Stay in this world or move on to what I had been secretly praying for. Then the one voice that meant the most to me was heard: my little boy in the front seat, watching his mommy die. The decision had been made.
In that moment, I knew that I was not the person who I told myself I was for so long. I was not unworthy of love. I knew that I was put on this planet for a reason. It was time to begin to truly live.
Since that time, I have been on a new path. It’s a path that invites me to go within, to the deepest realms of who I am. There’s a lot of excavation taking place. There are so many layers of false identities and misperceptions to plow through. It’s not “easy” stuff – that’s for sure. But it is authentic, and that’s what matters to me now.
I had to feel as if I had lost myself in order to discover who I really am. The person who I had lost was only a façade. The “real me” has always been there, just waiting for the veil to lift.
What I know for sure is that loss is an opportunity to spread our arms wide open and invite Love in. When there is Love, we cannot feel alone. Rather than running from the pain, we can feel it and allow it to open our heart even further.
We can reach out and connect with others who are also riding the waves of this life journey.
We can go within and connect with that place that resides in all of us that can never be taken away.